elegy written in an autumn churchyard

the alarm clock is ringing
three hours too late!
what a mess we've made
of these blankets,
of our souls.
someone open a goddamn window
I'm boiling alive in my own sweat
matted hair, tangled limbs
who the hell invented this?
there, that's better.
it's cold outside and clean
cool, clean november air
see that gray sunshine
over the skinny skeleton trees
embrace it,
that belonging-ness
that kind disregard for tomorrow.
just that cold blue gray sun
steely bicycle rider afternoon
made for six-button navy blazers.
I like you with your glasses on
I like your sharp teeth
I like your barely-hidden lechery
don't compliment me,
you liar.
liar, I laugh.
that's not the first time...
pouring coffee while
she brushes her teeth
reveling in the real honest
unabashed dishevelment,
I don't smile, just groan
move to the deck chair
cigarette wet-limp
between wet-limp lips
pretending to be on a Havana steamer.
poached eggs for breakfast,
my toes touch the dew
with the Stones record on
grit my teeth. taking deep breaths
sharp and unsure of the future
I take out a notebook
and start numbering my days
she puts out her hand
she wants me to dance
the song is "connection"
so bare feet on concrete
I stop caring about my clumsiness,
the violet-striped bathrobe sashays.
I can't dance, I can't love
nothing is right
everything is gray
she smiles sweetly
and says
don't worry.
oh no no no
wrapping one another
in scarfs
houndstooth and cashmere,
respectively.
a lovely bicycle ride
to the cemetery
seeing children on the sidewalks
clinging to red balloons
waving.
behind sunshades, there are sad eyes
sitting dreaming against headstones
sucking on the red-striped straws
of chocolate milkshakes
wanting nothing more
than to kiss your mouth
november days
will we always spend our time
sitting, waiting
or in each other's arms?
the sunshine on the buttons of my coat
makes me think back to winters past
and graveyard paths
with friends on the wayside.
the breeze carries sad youth
I long for you,
wistful winter
making me miss
all the things I never felt
that I would.