Showing posts with label older work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label older work. Show all posts

4.10.09

the raphael

There were the violet stains of red wine on the white linen. I draped it over the curved rosewood arm of the coat rack. I took a look around me, closing the door behind. The room was small but comfortable, walls a decidedly unsubtle pale yellow hue. At one end was the closed door to the bathroom, where the shower ran with a dull roar, past a well-made mustard yellow bed, littered with Italian giallo magazines, facing a rosewood armoire. On the other was a white cornice window, of the Second Empire style; it was opened to the blue evening of the foggy gray city beyond.

The old television in the armoire was playing RKO matinees in start black and white. On the end table near the bedpost, a Chesterfield cigarette laid smoking next to its package in a sallow ivory ashtray. The lean cigarette holder was meershaum chipped and yellowed from use. On the windowsill was a black-and-white dress, patterned in a way that reminded me of Rorschach test inkblots. I smiled and stretched my arms, unbuttoning the linen vest, removing off-white shirt and pants, tossing them to the floor by the window. I put on a pair of brown houndstooth pajamas and searched the liquor cabinet. There was some gin in a tall bottle with a Spanish label. I poured it into old-fashioned glass from the armoire; silver droplets scattered across the table when my hand shook.

I sat down at the brocade chair near the window, smelled petroleum from the cars below, and read “Nostromo” by Joseph Conrad until the shower stopped, letting my mind wander. After a few alcohol-soaked moments passed in the soft amber lamplight. Looking to the side, I noticed the half-eaten remains of a grilled cheese sandwich on white, royal-blue striped china. The door swung open as I faced it, indirectly, one hand on the book in my lap and the other on the armrest of the chair.

When I looked up I saw her leaned up against the frame of the doorway, a lemon bathrobe hanging over her slim shoulders. She wore a black shirt the color of licorice. Her short-cropped auburn hair was still damp and lay in fringe across the shining irises of her eyes. Scarlet speckled her cheeks as she smirked at me. My eyes shifted downwards to the image of a garish yellow revolver embroidered on her black panties. It was aimed at me.

“You took long enough,” she said, as I took a look at her, one-eyed, through the kaleidoscope of the glass, examined the diamond pattern cut into its frosted surface, and shook my head. She was going to make a lecher out of me.

“I’ve been here twenty minutes,” I answered. She laughed, a short, incredulous laugh, and let her head roll across her shoulders as she smiled, brown hair swaying.

“And getting loaded already.”

I gave her a smile both guilty and proud.

“I only drink when I’m nervous.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes,” I continued, and gesturing towards the pleated gray heap under her dress at the window. “And that’s the most buttons I do believe I’ve ever seen on a pair of pants before.”

“Shut up,” she said, half-jokingly, and let the bathrobe fall from her shoulders before sitting Indian-style on the bed. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Sure,” I lied, and rose from my seat. I sat down on the oriflamme print of the yellow blanket, and admired the neatly folded linen underneath. I laid down next to her, my hands behind my head against the pillow, and kept my eyes on the television. Gradually they drifted to her, looking at me demurely.

“How was it,” she asked.

“I’m no good at snooker,” I replied. “I think maybe I ought to quit.”

“Well how do you like that.”

Silence. I thought about kissing her, biting her lips.

“Gee, I’m tired,” I finally gave, shakily.

“How long are you staying.” she asked.

“I leave tomorrow morning.”

There was another pause. She twisted over to face me more, putting a hand on the chest of my white shirt.

“If I kiss you I’m going to feel like hell in the morning.”

“That’s okay by me.”

courier (9/2/09)

it was a rough morning.
I ruined my suede shoes
in cold September puddles
my cigarette fell apart in my mouth
and I had to fight off
horse jockeys in their cars.
I was spitting tobacco,
oilslick haircut
and a black eye.
my predictions, for worse
usually come to fruition.
when it gets too thick
I drift to the alleys
and cut my teeth
on a blue harmonica.
singing songs about trains
lovers leaving
arriving
usually late.
the smart decisions, well
they usually end up just as tough
no, I don’t want
to shake his hand
I don’t want to make nice
for my own sake
for your sake
tell me, did
you stop to think about it twice?
no,
I wouldn’t have either.
al green keeps singing on wax
those beautiful black souls,
give me credence to swoon.
no common beauty,
are we really the same?
smiles have become
synonymous
with the kind of life
you like to lead.
so one of us
must be doing it wrong.
surely,
it won’t last?
after all,
that was your excuse.

goodnight, ladies (5/6/09)

saturday night
here I am again
on a leather chair
the color of horseblood.
in front of me, from
left, to right
is a green bottle
of lager,
an oyster po’boy
on white butcher paper,
and a soft pack of
Lucky Strike cigarettes
(14 remaining of 25)
the dial on the radio
has been set to 92.3 FM
KFAC, and Piano Sonata
No.8, Pathétique.
I’m in a coffee-stained
white shirt
and my blue-striped shorts.
across the street
Some palooka has
wrapped his Chevy around
the telephone pole.
you can’t buy tickets
to see shows like this.
no one seems to ring me on
the telephone,
but I know everybody’s out
on a fine smoggy
saturday night
just like this one,
drinking their white wine
and taking a break from
the mindless madness
that keeps them from being
as mad as me.
I believe in loyalty
and I loyally refuse
to be proud of my friends
when they disappoint me,
likewise
when I abstain for three weeks
I expect you to as well
or even surpass myself.
as one of those dirty romantic types
I now realize that I have
only succeeded
in preparing women
for other men.
I wipe the breadcrumbs
from my razor stubble chin
and sound a barbaric belch
up at the velveeta moon.
I imagine the whole city
shaking at my anger
feeling the extent
of my ennui
but the neighbor just
laughs
at the drunken slob
that I am.
I am a lover by desire
and a cad by practice,
though I enjoy playing
at both.
I leave the apartment
because there are pachucos
playing dominoes outside
and I don’t feel
like getting shivved.
I shine steel and scramble.
the highway at night
is like a game of pinball.
silver fastbacks packed
with disillusioned men
and desperate women
by God,
you’d think we would all
leap headlong into the
death glare of eachother’s
headlights.
but no, nobody really digs
that kind of vibe.
so on this Saturday night
there are no women
no friends
no records or films
just me in my Terraplane
and the lonely moon
watching me
watching the bay.
the ship of love
sounding a foghorn.
I park on the beach and
nurse the rest of the beer.
I wonder about the folly
of youth
and the fickle reality
that I have claimed
to embrace
yet continue to be shocked by.
I pour out the rest of the beer.
it was only
one fourth of a love
but gee whiz
it sure was enough.

9:37 AM (5/4/09)

the morning sun
cold and callous,
peeks through the green shades
and the windowsill.
casting a white glow
on your milky skin
frayed, unwashed flannel
across your navel.
wet auburn hair
on a pillowcase
yellowed with age.
my tight trousers on
a belmont chair,
pockets jingle
with Roosevelt dimes.
Italian leather
upon the soles of my feet.
the hallway outside,
crowded with bodies
drifting sleepily
to dreamland fey,
I tiptoe over
on Cuban heels
out the doorway
onto the street.
now a cup of coffee
across the campus,
a pack of Luckies
in my back left pocket.
I knew you’d leave soon
my hand in your heart but not
in your affairs.
I take a bus down boulevards
of green and blue and red.
the morning light is gold
like amber ale,
as you’re laughing over cake
and tea, and handmade sandwiches,
social aspirations and
oratorical congratulations.
I smoke another cigarette,
put it out in the noir
of my coffee cup
and fall asleep
on the steps of the greek theater.
meanwhile you’re driving
with Cat Stevens on the radio
and laughing to yourself
because life is joy.
I’m dreaming about
Marseilles,
revolvers and roustabouts.
1:13, and I start stirring.
buy a gyro, and at the bookstore
an out-of-print book, 1973
“The French Foreign Legion” and
John Cheever, a red dust jacket
under my arm, just them
and me.
you pass me on the crème-color sidewalk
and I look the other way,
pretending to hear some drunk saxophone.
I still feel your eyes on
the cold of my shoulder
but the girl doesn’t break
her pride is too hard to swallow.
I stop at the railroad tracks
and watch as you walk
in an ill-fitting sundress
over the awkward angle
of your shoulders,
always going
somewhere.
I think
you have everybody and
you think
I don’t need anyone
but
we’re both really thinking
the same thing.
what a shame…
neither of us can tell.

mon amie (5/3/09)

indeed, I was so very wrong
about you
right about all the wrong things
and vice versa.
I always viewed you
in the most literary manner
so, it’s a shame that
I recall you always
spelling things wrong.
so very naive yet
with such a sharp wit,
your inexperience
countered by
your intuition.
so right you were.
I underestimated you.
yes, how very different
things could have been.
I guess I will
have to lament
never seeing you on my bed
with a blue flannel shirt
on your dove-white skin.
a beauty that
I alone could appreciate,
one that you
would deride.
because of my nature,
I would steal you away.
your knives would grow dull
and your passion cold
you’d turn to vanity’s mirror
and everyone would ask
“whatever happened
to baby blue?”
and they’d say
“she fell in love
with a bastard.”
so sorry, I suppose
for misjudging you
it’s too late
and too cheap
for it to matter to you anymore.
so I guess
I’ll tear these pages
out of my book
and drink this tea
and go back to thinking
that you’re a lesbian.

my foolish heart (4/27/09)

when it finally came time to leave
I was still clinging
clinging to a ghost that shivered
like a leaf in the wind.
it was a familiar feeling.
I snapped towards the sedan
that long black chariot
and felt the cold silver
on my shoulders.
from the warm leather
of the driver’s seat
I watched as the rain drove
spiny needles through the air
smashing in puddles on
the asphalt.
my phone rang a number
that didn’t exist.
deep within my heart sank.
I did not want it to be this way
the day by day drag
of anomie and ennui
though I still knew that
all glory fades.
the machine hummed and purred
as slick tires met slick blacktop
jet-black and shining
in the dull grey
of the waning daylight
and in my back mirror
I caught the glimpse of the car
I wished would follow
underneath the weeping willows
of my verdant avenue.
as the piano sang
and the drums hushed
the cello hummed
the rain stopped falling.
I have seen the clouds roll
over the cemeteries and
the hills
like a gray mask over the city.
she wears it sullenly.
from my third-story window
I can look out over the
bricks and the wires
that crisscross like webs
over the traffic.
I can smell the chow mein
from the pushcarts below
and the damp rain
on the beige of the newspaper.
I lay back on the leather
the second leather my back
has felt in an hour.
beyond the smoking ashtray
on my paint-peeling windowsill
across the street
in her own world
there is a skinny girl
with a tattoo of a dragon
on her neck down her arm
she’s wearing pajamas.
I wonder what her stereo
is playing.
in two years
she'll have nothing left.
I think about how I’m
not fat
or stupid
and how glad I should be,
but it all just seems
dull anymore.
someone feels like I do
if only we cared enough
to make feeling worthwhile.
I expect things from people
and never tell them
what they are.
so I am disappointed
as the rain falls again
across the face
of the concrete Jesus
who watches the barrio.
a thousand tired feet
in a city that always walks
old men in chesterfield coats
hipsters with Pabst in their hands
Puerto Ricans and Vietnamese
the rain’s all falling
everybody’s tired
nobody gives a damn
or maybe I only give a damn
about myself.

the broken watch (4/23/09)

I found my watch today.
the one you told me you found
except you hadn't found it.
you left it there.
somebody had shattered the glass.
the hands were still moving
just like clockwork
it was a strong image
time kept marching
despite all that broken glass.
I could've kept it
but my heart wasn’t in it
any more.
I was no Roland
bleeding from a thousand wounds
I retreated
to let my ambitions die.
but it was no real loss
just one less thing that
I can sing songs about.
today was
one of those days
everyone was just
sick of each other
and it got played out
in bad conversations
highway cut-offs
and numerous falsehoods.
if Dante was a gunslinger
there’d have been
a lot of dead liars.
I think my watch had
something to do with it.
I believe in all that
rosaries and black cats
what else am I supposed to believe
except the absurd?

somewhere (4/20/09)

is there an absurdity to it?
that kind of feeling
that I’d rather be somewhere else.
it’s poorly-furnished
I don’t think those kind of places exist
anymore.
Maybe, a white room off of
Van Nuys
and a girl who has
black eyes
with a yellow
gladiola in
her black hair
no.
maybe
a tin-roofed
juke joint
deep in the American jungles
or
if I feel tragic
an absinthe café
on Decatur
pimps and poets
in linen suits
best
the inside of a large Cadillac
with a torch song
playing full blast
its echo spread into
a velveteen night.
oh well
what does it matter
to anybody
where I want to be?
I am the kind of man that
is only missed when you know
that he’s gone.

that's fair (4/17/09)

I spent my Friday night
avoiding people

and the people who
I wanted to see
were avoiding

me.
after a rainy drive
wherein
I decided
Camels taste
like lip balm,
I put Waltz for Debby on the stereo

and drank myself to sleep

cradling a bottle of jack.

I woke up around 6 AM

in a murphy bed
and
vomited.
stumbling, I tried
to clean up
but it was overpowering
and I left it for tomorrow
like every other problem.

sleep was filled

with the kind of dreaming
that
doctors would prescribe,
and waking was easy.
alone, charles bronson
rampaged on the silver screen
and
I had steak and eggs
at three in the afternoon,
perched on a leather davenport
smiling at how joyous it was
just to have no one
and be content about it.

and after a few phone calls
I rolled into the city

lacquered with a fresh coat
of rain.
the pitter patter of
thunder in the night
rose on the horizon.
and over coffee
we began to talk discourse
and the loss of ourselves.

it made a lousy dinner nicer

but I'd still call it lousy
.
I know you're trouble,
but hell

I don't worry.
I’m not asking much
at least
not yet.
you say he’s a nice guy
,
that he'd like me,
but I remind you

he didn’t beat an assault rap.

honey,
it's just one of those
things
where nothing will ever happen,
but god,
don't you know it could
?
in the end
what can I say to you
other than shrug
forgetting your eyes,
and think,
well,
that's fair.